The Four Agreements: How to use them for a more authentic midlife

In this episode, you'll hear:
1. The Impact of Cultural Influences: How generational and cultural influences shape our communication styles and mindset, and how we can break free from limiting beliefs.

2. The Power of Doing Your Best: Understanding that everyone's best is relative to their individual personality and motivations, and how to avoid seeking external validation.

3. Not Taking Things Personally: The struggle we all face in not internalizing the opinions of others, and the importance of self-acceptance and self-validation.

00:00 Former boss recommended powerful book, shared it.
06:13 Fear-based mindset hindered joy and authenticity.
08:39 Regret for gossip, learning to move on.
13:04 Understanding that not everything is personal.
15:09 Advocate self-acceptance, don't seek external validation.
17:10 Collective addiction to drama brings emotional strain.
20:34 Overcoming silence and assumptions to find certainty.
24:53 Dinner with boyfriend's mom at high-end restaurant.
28:32 Decide what your best is, self-acceptance.
31:59 Identify motivation before pursuing change or improvement.
34:45 Finding peace with oneself makes challenges easier.

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Amelia

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Cam

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Transcript

0:01

4321. Hi. I'm Cam, Holistic health coach, mom to 2 humans and 4 pets. Hi. I'm Amelia, Laboratory scientist by day and food scientist by night. Welcome to our show. Join us as we share our holistic approach to life after 50. You can expect real life stories with a dash of humor and a ton of truth. If it happens in midlife, we're going to talk about it. So hit that subscribe button and follow along. We're the Midlife Mommas. We need words. The Four Agreements, A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. How many times, Cam, have we referenced this book in the podcast and now we're gonna tell our listeners what the Four Agreements are. I am so excited about this. I cannot stand it. Yeah. I think we could quote this book in some way, shape, or form several times a month. So here it is. We're gonna take the midlife version of The Four Agreements and how to apply it to your midlife to make it amazing. Right? Absolutely. And I I have had knowledge of this book for probably 7 or 8 years. A former boss actually recommended it. She was so kind and can see a little bit of my inner turmoil at work, and she actually gave me a copy, her copy to read. And, Cam, since that time, I've bought my own copy, and I've given, at one time, I bought, like, 5 copies of this book and just kept them, and when I encountered someone that I thought needed it or expressed an interest, I just gave them a copy. So this is such a powerful publication. I hope that at the end of this episode, so many people will be reaching out to buy this book. You are my sister. I swear to goodness. So I encountered this book during counseling, marriage counseling at the end of my first marriage, and it was just such a powerful little mini lesson and insight to understanding myself more. And, yeah. And so I actually gave it to Dan for his birthday in 2020. I've also given copies away. I know I gave one to my friend Katie as well. Anyway, it's one of my go to, like, yeah, this is just a little gift. It is, you know, it's physically small, for those people listening. If you're not familiar with this book, it's less than a 150 pages. You could literally read this in one sitting and when we give books away, it's physically small, but it's a very large gift in its content. It's very, approachable. It's not hard to understand. And when we give the and I don't know. I'll be interested to see what you say, Cam. When I gave these books away, it wasn't a criticism of the recipient. It was an I love you. Mhmm. Mhmm. Totally agree. And I think it took Dan a a year to actually pick it up and read it. But that's alright. That's alright. Because I think when you're ready, you're ready. And I do wanna say it, although it's short, it's very simple. That does not mean it's easy to grasp. It takes practice as with all things. And so what we're gonna talk about are the 4 agreements and how, you know, like, our strengths and our weaknesses and and how we use these to, like, guide our midlife. Absolutely. And I think when you reread it, especially if there's a span of time in between your last reading, you pick up new nuggets or you apply these things in different ways. So, I would like to think that I would read this every year. I haven't done that, but I have read it, you know, in preparation for this episode. So maybe I'll read it again next year. Yeah. It's definitely, like, in the forefront of my mind. And, I mean, we talk about it all the time on this podcast. So, yes, I'm excited. I'm so excited to share this with everybody. Yeah. Me too. So let's dive in. Cam, tell us a little bit about the first agreement. Okay. The first one is be impeccable with your word, and it's really, I feel, like the most powerful tool you have as a human. It's your word. It's your integrity. It's you're doing what you say and saying what you do. It's like matching those two things up. What about you? What do you think about it? I think the same thing and I think for me what was important for me to grasp is this isn't like your words have to be magnanimous in any way. They're just yours. Mhmm. And it comes with being authentic. It comes with being authentic to who you are. You don't speak words against yourself, and so that helps you grow in love with yourself and with others. So to me, it's just a lesson in authenticity. It's a very short phrase that means to be authentic. Yeah. And for me, when I first read this at the you know, in the turmoil of my first marriage, like, there we weren't impeccable with our word, and what we said isn't what we did. And it it landed in in a divorce ultimately, but it was such a powerful lesson that if you say something you have to do that thing, and when there's not when you're not doing the thing you're saying then there's this lack of trust, there's this lack of integrity and really that was the root cause I will say of my first marriage and why it ended was lack of integrity. It was powerful. I love it, and it does erode trust. It's like being a hypocrite. I have tried really hard as a parent not to preach something that I didn't act on. There there are obviously things that we tell our kids not to do that we've done. I don't think that makes us not impeccable with our word per se, but I think it's an awareness. And now that I'm in midlife cam, and to live into my full being with my kids, with my coworkers, with my mom, with my friends, I try very, very hard not to speak things that aren't true. Even if it's something as simple as accepting an invitation that I don't really want to do. I totally understand that. And I can also see where in back in, you know, my forties, I was applying it to my situation. I was looking outside to others. But we speak all the time about reframing our thoughts and being impeccable with your word is is a how do you speak to yourself? How do you speak about yourself? That is part of this agreement for sure. And so I would say in my fifties, instead of looking outward, I feel like it's turning more inward, making sure I'm true to my word to myself versus others, if that makes sense. It it totally makes sense, and it kinda plays into the other agreements. But, you know, a lot of my adulthood, I have operated under an umbrella of wanting to please others or being afraid of disappointing others or being afraid that I wasn't going to perform at the level or do what other people wanted. And that fear based mindset is not really being impeccable with my word because I would say or do things that maybe weren't didn't bring me joy. And so I think that's where we come back to so much that we've talked about about, you know, bringing joy to yourself and others because if you're unhappy, you're spreading seeds of unhappiness even when you don't mean to. Yeah. In the in the book, he calls it black magicians, and it's like putting out spells against each other, AKA gossip or non truths about other people. And then when you pick that up, even if it's about yourself, you pick it up and you carry it around and it becomes your truth, it becomes your belief. That's an example of not being impeccable with your word. You're speaking against yourself or others. It's so true and that's the nugget I think Cam for me that is so powerful and so important to really internalize is is when we say negative things and they could be in our head. When you look in the mirror and say, I look fat today, that is black magic right there. Mhmm. When you gossip in your office or whatever or you know, I don't know. I can't think of a specific example right off the top of my head, but it's the same thing and we definitely need to stop ourselves in our tracks from doing that because you're right, It it's a blemish on the integrity of who we are. Yeah. I remember the teachers lounge. I taught school for 18 years and sometimes the teachers lounge was like a cesspool during lunch, and I didn't wanna be there. I didn't wanna hear about who so and so did what. I I taught at a very small school. I lived in a small community, and we were all tied together somehow and there was just stuff I didn't wanna hear about other people or other families or other kids or etcetera, you know? And I just remember being repelled by that. That was, you know, when I was younger for sure. But, yeah, it's interesting. If we pick these up and we carry them around, then it's kind of like a contract that we've chosen this about ourselves, or we've chosen this about other people, and it is not the truth and we are not being impeccable with our word. See, I think you're so mature and advanced and, I think if I'm not mistaken, your Enneagram number 1 is is a, like, a gut a gut number. I'm a heart number. And so, you know, for me, I have had to learn that that is black magic because there's a sense that sometimes when we gossip about other people that we're endearing ourselves to the person we're talking to at the expense of that 3rd party. And for a while, I accepted that, but it's fake. It's such a false sense of security. And when we do that, we I think we're damaging our souls. So, you know, it took a lot of years, and I'm not saying I was the biggest gossip, I certainly hope that's not true, but I did allow those things to be heard and said and not stop them, and now I feel a great amount of regret for it, but I'm just trying to learn and move on. Yeah. I do feel it physically in my body typically in my gut, and I wonder do you feel it in your heart? Yeah. It feels heavy. It feels, yeah, just that heaviness and sadness. So to me, a heavy heart is a sad heart. Right. And, I've had this conversation about, you know, being authentic and happy and those moments when people are slighting you or kind of you're the butt of someone's joke and then you wanna have a sharp comeback. You always think it's gonna make you feel better. For me personally, I've tried it and it doesn't work. I feel worse. So actually that whole turn the other cheek thing for me works. I mean, I'm not gonna let someone walk all over me. I'm not trying to say that, but these these incidental slights, this black magic that we're talking about here, that's not a reflection on me when it happens to me, it's a reflection on the speaker. And I wanna be strong enough to just let it go and not let that black magic affect me. Right. And your opinion of them or join in and add your little 2¢. I totally get it. I have a story from actually last night. We went to a neighborhood party, a couple our age. Their their kids had gotten married, and they were, like, celebrating. So they had a party at their house, catered to Vin. It was very nice. And I am not familiar. I'm not. I don't know a lot of people where I live since I got married. There was a chance for me to meet some of my husband's friends and friends and friends and all that stuff. And, there was one guy he spoke about not so kindly in the past. And I've never met this human, but I got met this human last night. And we spent the most amount of time talking to this particular person that my husband did not have a high impression about. And I didn't let that fog my opinion when I met this person in real life, and we had a delightful conversation. And on the way home, my husband said, oh, he isn't exactly what I thought. And I thought, exactly. That's exactly what this is. Why? I don't know he had that opinion about this particular person, but he chose to believe it as truth. And I remember him trying to tell me about this person, and it just wasn't true, and we had a delightful experience. So that's an example of how black magic can, like, fog your thinking or fog your impression of something or someone. Anyway, it cam also happen about yourself. Absolutely. I love that story. It happens to us all the time. I bet every single person listening has a story like that. Yep. And people do change. Maybe this guy had wronged some folks or had done some things, but that's a behavior. It's not the person. And so I think, you know, sometimes we don't have a chance to to see the person in different eyes and hopefully years later or however long later this was, we we do have that that chance to redeem ourselves or others or whatever. But, you know, going forward, I just think it's so important to embrace this concept because it feels so liberating and it allows peace and happiness and love to come in and we don't have to brace against things anymore. It's great. It really is great. And it kinda leads to our next rule, our next agreement. It's not a rule. I'm a rule follower, so excuse me. Me too. But in the second agreement is don't take anything personally. And quite honestly, this is the one I struggle with the most. It's the hardest one for me. I think everything is personal, and I take it to heart. And, I guess part of the counseling I went through at the end of my first marriage was learning how to feel with my heart. So you have that you have that mastered, but I had to learn that. Anyway. I I agree. And I don't want to jump ahead to the 3rd agreement, so we'll stick here, but they're kind of in my mind intertwined. I do take a lot of things personally. I've gotten a whole lot better, but just like we said with being impeccable with your word, a lot of words spoken to you are less about you than about the person speaking. And I think when we can embrace that idea that every body brings a lot of crap to the table and it could be it could be good. Maybe it's good. But a lot of the times, the things that feel negative aren't about you at all. They're about whatever crap the other person has brought to the table. Yeah. And we've spoken about mirroring. So when someone mirrors a behavior to you and it stings you or something happens inside of you, it's just a reflection. And so when someone attacks you so this could be good or bad. And when I reread this section I was like, oh, so that means all the nice things aren't about me either. So either either side of the coin, it's really about the person that's telling you these things or expressing these things. They're mirroring something. They're re showing you something about their life. So Yeah. And I agree with you about the good and the bad because it's easy to say, oh, I won't take the bad personally, but this also means when you get accolades about an article you wrote or the meal you cooked or whatever, the point is is feel proud of that effort without needing the accolade or the praise from someone else to validate your effort. So I I agree. It was tough to read that, hey, if you don't take things personally, that means the good and the bad, but it's true. We need we need to feel good about ourselves from the inside and not need external validation to feel that. Yeah. Everyone's reality or their opinion is based on the agreements they've made with themselves, and it's just a movie based on those agreements. So if you think of your life as a movie and how it's playing out, it's based on the things that you decided to agree with and become your beliefs and that's how you that's how you're acting from those beliefs. Right. And I love this, you know, the need to be accepted and this book advocates coming to a point where you don't need to be accepted by someone else because you have self acceptance and that's the most important. And that was really that's been tough for me and I don't know if this is a uniquely southern attribute or female, maybe it's human humanity, I'm not sure. But coming to a point where I am okay, with my self and not needing validation or acceptance and just, you know, going back to the first agreement being impeccable with my word and letting that stand has been a little bit of a journey. Yeah. I totally agree. I yeah. It's been at such a journey, and I think I'm ready at 53 to be to take not to take things personally like I did at 43. Like, I feel like there's been growth if I look back over the last 10 years. And, you know, learning to trust yourself and learning to know that you know and you're okay. But in in my life, I feel like being enough, am I not enough? That's always been a theme, and I think it's tied to this not taking things personally. I don't know. I I I definitely agree and fear based mindsets Mhmm. Going back to, you know, trying to please other people. One of the things I read in the book that I found really interesting what that said, humans are addicted to suffering. And I wonder if you had a thought about what that means or if it's true. Well, I mean, I don't watch the news. So if you I feel like people love, you know, oh, this is happening. This is happening. Like, and even their tone of their voice. And it makes my nervous system go crazy. So I really haven't watched the news in about 2 years. And I think that people are addicted to that. I I will use my dad for example. He has the news going on 247. And it makes me crazy when we visit because he wants it on and it's a little louder than it should be because I think he needs hearing aids, but I'm not sure. And it just makes me very uncomfortable. I don't wanna feel that in my body. So, yes, I do think people are addicted to that. I don't need to know. If I need to know, I'll find out. Right. And I I would actually kind of swivel on this. The author of this book is clearly the authority and not me, but sometimes I wonder if we are addicted, we meaning the collective, not you and I, to some sort of drama. And I wonder if this drama makes them feel more alive. When when you are truly at peace and content, there's no drama there. So I I I kinda think there may be a little bit whether it's suffering because generally, drama brings on some sort of emotional or mental strain, so I agree. I think it's true. I'm not sure if I would use the word suffering, but I found that fascinating that it's in the book. So if you're listening and you have questions about that, I'd definitely pick up a copy of this book and see what your thoughts are on that. Yeah. I agree. Fear is a very low, low emotion, and I really love what you said. So suffering fear, I'm not sure. I there's a a bridge that we walk across from Kentucky over the Ohio River into Ohio, and somebody spray painted on the wall. Fear is a liar. And I, you know, I believe that fear is a liar. Fear lies to us and brings us to this really low emotional place. And I think that's what that quote is about, being addicted to the suffering, being addicted to the pain versus understanding there's another way out. I agree and I think I don't know if it's culturally or societally or just humanity. We're kinda conditioned to that lowest common denominator. Mhmm. You know, it's everyone, you can always do better, but when you do better, you there's always a long way to fall. And I I don't think I'm expressing myself very clearly, but very rarely do you find people who feel like I've done everything I wanna do, I'm exactly the person I wanna be, and there's nothing else. And I don't I'm not that person and I'm not saying we should be. I think we always need to grow, but we need to grow out of a sense of love, not obligation or fear. I love that. I think that's perfectly said. Yes. I think that's perfectly said. Well, let's move on to the 3rd agreement. Amelia, what's the third one? So this is my toughest ones. Okay. This one is don't make assumptions. And for me, I have this huge narrative running through my head all the time that constantly fills in gaps of information I do not know. Whether it's an odd text, a terse or short text when I think they must be mad at me. It could be an extremely offhanded comment from one of my daughters or my coworker. I am constantly filling in the gaps of information and to really unpack and let those statements or texts or emails, whatever stand strictly on the facts alone is incredibly difficult for me. Yeah. Yeah. So I used to struggle with this one as well. Don't don't make assumptions and I my first marriage ending was part of the lesson here, learning to ask a 1000000 zillion questions. If I'm asking a lot of questions, it's because I have gaps in my head and I need to understand exactly what's going on. Mhmm. An example of recently in my life, my son is on his first deployment, and I wanna know how he got there. What does it look like? What's the weather like? Like, all of the stuff. I don't wanna assume what his life is gonna be like until October. I wanna know. I want I wanna ask questions. I wanna see pictures. I wanna know what it's about. So, yeah, that's what I have to say. I think it's I think that is a fabulous and this is what really came home the second time I read this book was about the asking of questions. Mhmm. And again, maybe it's a southern paradigm or a woman paradigm, but I did not ask questions or even express my opinion. I know that's a shocker, but I didn't do that for a long time, and I allowed assumptions because there's this there's this sense of, and my mother's not like this cam, so I don't know where I got it, but not a don't, don't, you know, you're not to be seen or heard, but a sense of politeness if you are more quiet and you're acquiescing or accepting a situation. But that caused me a lot of mental anguish and I've gotten even in the last 6 months so much better about speaking up and offering my view on the situation or asking the question because in the absence of information, it's uncertain and uncertainty makes us feel unsafe or afraid because our brain looks for patterns. It doesn't wanna work so hard. So if it can establish a pattern where it doesn't have to work so hard, that's what the brain will do. And a lot of times that comes through making assumptions which 9 times out of 10 are faults. Yeah. You know this fits in perfectly. I was on a coaching call earlier this week and, for business coaching, and we it's less than 1% of our brain is conscious. 1 per less than 1%. That's crazy. So we're on this autopilot. 99% of our brain is on autopilot, and it absolutely seeks patterns. And if you believe this, then that's all you see kind of the situation. The lens of your life is filtered by what you believe. And so changing your beliefs changes literally what you see. It's it's kind of one of those things. And once you bring it to your consciousness, that less than 1%, then you have choices. But part of it is just understanding that this is this movie, this background noise is going on. There's constant chatter in your brain. Understanding that is part of this, you know, don't make assumptions because you can make up all kinds of stories. Right. Exactly. And I think part of that too is we expect things of ourselves and others, and you and I, knowing us like I do, I think that this is probably a high, we're we're high functioning anyway, so we tend to have pretty high expectations of ourselves and others and failed expectations causes pain also, But what causes failed expectations? It's almost always either unclear or lack of communication. So as women, especially midlife women, we need to coach ourselves to deliver those questions and comments to the people we love with love and without judgment and that is a game changer. Yeah. I think you're onto something as, you know, is it southern? I'm not sure, because my grandma and my mom, I kinda feel like you're supposed to be seen, not heard was kind of a theme. And I was like that until my forties, and then the whole, you know, debacle of my first marriage, I'm like, oh, I need to start asking questions and stop assuming things because that got me in the toilet. So, yeah. I think there is something about that. I'm not sure exactly what it is. Is it cultural or is it I'm not I don't know. But your mom wasn't like that? Not really. Not that I remember, but I do I know that it's not generational and here's why. I experienced 2 situations in the last two weeks. 1 was my daughter's boyfriend's mother, if you got all that. She did not she did not grow up in the South. She lives now and, I think she grew up in New Jersey, and then another woman is a woman, I think she's probably 40 in the Midwest. And I watched both of these women in social situations and they were way more assertive than usually I am around people I don't know very well, but they were kind. They were not unkind and I thought, wow, they they are asking questions or actually making requests of others Mhmm. That is appropriate which I may or may not have been comfortable doing in the same situation. So it was really an eye opener to see these women from these 2 different geographies, see how they operate and it went off great and it made me feel empowered to do the same. So they must not making assumptions must be easy for them, it must not be a challenge so per se, maybe. Maybe. May maybe. I don't know. It was just a super interesting observation. I don't know. I know, the boyfriend's mom, she had a pretty high powered position in the finance world. I think she's retired now. But she just you know, we were at dinner, and the waitress comes and wants to take our drink order and we were just chatting away, we hadn't, you know, I've only met this woman once and it was nothing for her to repeat over and over, I need you to come back, I need you to come back, or make, you know, my son's gonna be late, or I want I want this and not that or can you substitute this and not that or can you do this. And it was not, you know, it was just all open communication and I thought, wow, that's really cool and we ended up closing the restaurant down and of course, you know, we paid the bill and gave a tremendous tip, but just we were in the moment and enjoying the company and I honestly don't think she felt any any kind of way. No, bad feelings about the way she comported herself as she shouldn't. I just, I don't know that I would have done the same. So it was just really cool. Yeah. I would have like been worried about the waitress. Yes. Am I wasting her time? Am I keeping the table? Am I keeping the cooks here? Closing down the restaurant, like all that other stuff. Me too. That's exactly where I was. But it was just like and I, you know, I know her, and I know that she compensated that waitress very well with the tip. It was just really cool. It didn't feel selfish to me as I watched her interact. That's neat. Bay the, you know, the bottom line is making assumptions about things just causes a lot of pain. So if you can put that belief down, it would be really a great a better way to live. Right. And don't, like, you know, just in that situation, cam expecting the other person to be reciprocal. If the waitress was having trouble, you know, maybe she could have said, you know, we we have 15 minutes left before the kitchen's gonna close or whatever. You know what I mean? Like Yeah. You have to you have to provide open communication and you have to expect it without assuming. So how did the waitress react to her? Was she still open or joyful or did you feel like she was getting annoyed? No. I think she was absolutely she was like, y'all have been my most fun table all night. I really appreciate it. Look, but honestly, I do think she said you need to go ahead and order your food because, you know, we're starting to wrap up the service piece. You can sit here as long as you want. So there was openness there and I, you know, I I think she loved us. I mean, we were chatty, and we interacted with her, and joked with her, and I think she loved it. So there you go. So let's move on to the 4th and final agreement. It's always do your best. What do you think about this one? So when I first read this cam, I was like, well, that's a no brainer. You all do your best. But, here here's the cam the caveat, the twist, or whatever that I was, like, coming home to and sitting in a warm bath for me. Your best is not the same every day, every hour or every minute. And that was the beauty for me is I can really do my best even when it's not the best ever. Even if I have a day where I'm sidetracked by something else, the best that day is is okay even though it's not the best ever. I love it. And for me, when I reread this section, it was doing more than your best, because I fall into this category sometimes, leaves you exhausted and your energy depleted, and you don't think it's enough. It goes back to that I'm not enough story that I've had in my head, which I'm willing to let go, or at least looking at letting that go, that self judgment and resentment. That was that was a stinger for me in this chapter. I don't disagree at all, but and the thing that I love is the fact that and I tell my daughters this, I've been telling them this since I read the book the first time, you get to decide what your best is and most of us who are people of integrity and have, you know, at least somewhat of a good moral compass, we inherently know. You know if you've done a crappy job. You know if you didn't give it your best. But as you're just saying, the flip side is when you're always questioning what your best is, which is where I have fallen most often, it does lead to self judgment. You do feel like you're unworthy because you're chasing something that's so elusive. That's not definable except by you. And when you accept that, that responsibility and privilege cam we have done amazing things. And so why not accept this is my best and my best today is not the same as my best yesterday or tomorrow? And you don't have to over deliver because what what's that? We also look at it from the lens of our Enneagram sign. So I'm a one, which is known as the perfectionist, and Amelia is a 3, which is known as the performer. And so our best is, like that's part of our personality. So what motivates to do our best is a little different, but it's still there. Do you agree with that? 100%. I have a really good friend who's a 9, and nines do not like conflict. No. So so, you know, what you or I might consider our best might involve testing the waters, especially in a work situation where she she wouldn't be able to do that in good conscience. So her action in the same situation would be necessarily different at her at her, best operational capacity than mine. And that is another beautiful thing is that all of this is relative to who you are, not who I am or Cam is or anybody else. Mhmm. Yeah. So I married a 9, and he's a peacemaker, and he sees all sides. And so his best is different than my go go go. Gotta do it right now. You know? Different. It's different. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely agree. And when we talk about doing our best, we have to be very careful that to know our own self motivation because if you're working hard only for a reward, that may leave you feel satisfied or it may not. It kind of lets you're giving your power to someone else when you're working for a reward. And I've talked to so many women, Cam, when they talk about, diet and exercise, the wellness journey, What is your best? And they really trip over this one because they're after a size or a weight. Mhmm. And then they're never good enough. And it it really saddens me to see that. I totally agree. And they get to the weight, and then they're like, it's not there. That's not where their joy is. So totally with you on this. Yeah. Agree. So we wanna, you know, encourage action, but not for the reward, but for the action itself because that is your best. Yeah. And that I'm a doer anyhow. So when I feel uncomfortable in my own skin or whatever, I have to do something, which led to over exercising through my forties. So so there is that. But, understanding that taking action for action's sake versus the reward of action. I agree with you. I think that anytime we find something that we don't like, we first have to look at what motivates us. We first have to see the underlying reason of why we want to change. Are we trying to live up to someone else's ideal, whether it's your mom, your sister, your best friend, your spouse, you know, your workplace if it's a work goal, why do you want to do this? And only then can you decide how how and what your best looks like because it may be that you're like, I can't give this my best because this is what someone else wants, not me. Exactly. I like that a lot. That that ties other the other, agreements together, like, don't take it personally and don't make assumptions. If you're doing it for another reason, another person, then it's not for you, and so your best is yeah. I like how that all ties together. It's amazing. I mean, I I really have sat with these concepts more intently in some periods of my life than others, But every time I do, a tiny bit of something is revealed to me that I didn't see before. Yeah. I really think self awareness is really the key. And I think that's why we're bringing this book to the podcast today. You know, the Four Agreements are literally it's like a little guidebook, a practical guide to your personal freedom to make midlife amazing instead of, like, torturous. For sure. And when you do your best, it kind of becomes a mindset, a framework. We've talked about that before so many times. And that mindset becomes a ritual. And it's a thing that you're choosing to believe and then it becomes easier and easier and that contentment and happiness just comes to roost. And it's not, it's not some elusive goal. Cause this isn't, this isn't about goal setting. This is about being. Mhmm. It totally is. I just recently watched heal, which is on Amazon Prime, I think, and it's about the power of your mind, and these people are healing chronic diseases and cancer and stuff like that. But what I wanna say is it all starts in your mind. Truly believing in yourself is where it all starts. Physical healing or a better life or a better attitude, it all starts with how you think about yourself, and that I think that's the key. I absolutely agree. These are all just core values for me at this point. I mean there's a lot of other beliefs that I have, but they all fit into this paradigm. The thing about it is, and I remember reading this in the book too, society has a lot of other agreements, and so you feel like you're swimming upstream sometimes, you know, being impeccable with your word. Don't take things personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Society has different agreements, so you may feel you're swimming upstream, but it's okay. Just seek other people that think like you and hang together. Right. I I love that I love that analogy of swimming upstream because we're not saying this is easy. It's certainly not easy. But but once you find peace with yourself that rub with everybody around you feels less painful, I guess. It's almost like, you know, you've got sandpaper that now has become finer sandpaper, you know it's there, but it's just not quite so painful because you're at peace with the choices you've made with the agreements you've made with yourself. Perfect. So one quote I'd like to leave us with Cam and, did you have anything else to add about the do doing your best? I feel complete. I I feel complete too. So let's leave our audience with this quote, and it is from the book because I love this. If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self love, you will discover that it's only a matter of time before you find what you're looking for. Thanks for listening today. You can find us on Instagram@midlife.mommas For all of our other contact info, check out the show description below, and we will talk to you next week.