Midlife and the Sandwich Generation: Caring for your kids and parents at the same time

In this episode, you'll hear:

1. Definition and Statistics of the Sandwich Generation: Listeners will gain an understanding of what the term "sandwich generation" means and the statistics associated with it, such as the number of people involved and the challenges they face.

2. Coping Strategies for the Sandwich Generation: The hosts discuss various coping strategies that individuals in the sandwich generation can utilize to manage the challenges they face, including practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and finding humor in difficult situations.

3. Importance of Community and Support: The episode highlights the significance of community and support for individuals in the sandwich generation, encouraging listeners to share their experiences, connect with others facing similar challenges, and seek help from family, friends, and professional resources.

00:00 Shift in caregiving roles, involving men too.
04:14 Parents having children later, impacting generations.
07:51 Small expenses add up, impacting living expenses.
11:54 Teens should help at home, community involvement.
14:42 Open communication important for maintaining healthy relationships.
16:22 Father moving closer, searching for safe, accessible housing.
20:39 Striving for balance and self-acceptance in life.
24:13 Social media can be deceptive; seek support.

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Amelia

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Cam

• Website: https://www.camoyler.com/
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Transcript

0:00

Amelia, are you eating a bologna sandwich? Are you kidding me? Cam, you know I would never eat baloney. Hi, I'm Cam, Holistic health coach, mom to two humans and four pets. Hi, I'm Amelia, Laboratory scientist by day and food scientist by night. Welcome to our show. Join us as we share our holistic approach to life. After 50, you can expect real life stories with a dash of humor and a ton of truth. If it happens in midlife, we're going to talk about it. So hit that subscribe button and follow along. We're the Midlife Mommas. Oh, we're not talking about what? We're not talking about baloney today, folks, or nitrites or all the nasty preservatives that are in a lot of lunch meats. We're actually talking about sandwiches, but not the kind you eat. We're talking about the sandwich generation. Yes, and we are in the sandwich generation if you are in midlife. So what's the definition, Amelia? What does that mean? Well, this is a great thing, and I didn't. I did a little research here. The definition was coined in 1981 by a woman named Dorothy Miller, and it defines a generation of people responsible for bringing up their own children and taking care of aging parents. Pew research defines this as having at least one parent 65 or older and at least one child receiving financial support. So you. You may be a sandwich generation even if you're an empty nester or if part of your paycheck still helps your kids. Yeah, right. Deep pockets. Right? And we also just want to say, you know, we're celebrating Mother's Day this week, and we think this. This topic fits into Mother's Day perfectly because our definition of mother mothering is way more than just being a biological mom, for sure. Right? Absolutely. You know, we know that a lot of caregivers, and we'll really get into more of, like, the sandwich generation and caregivers in a few minutes. But as far as, like, caregiving, it has historically fallen to women. Only since COVID are we seeing more men getting to these caregiving roles. But as Cam alluded, you don't have to be a biological mother. I know many of us have sisters or aunts or even neighbors. My great aunt was our next door neighbor when I was growing up, and she was very much a mother figure to me. And so I think. I think most women have either provided a mothering type to other people, or they've looked to people besides their biological moms for that aspect, 100%. And really, when we're celebrating Mother's day. I was telling Amelia, before we hit record, I think about we are all here because we had a mom. We are here because we had a mom, period. End of sentence. And honestly, I have a hard time with the younger generation canceling their parents. I really don't understand that because they literally wouldn't be here if they didn't have their parents. Right. We. We don't have humans that are born out of petri dishes quite yet. So we absolutely have human parents. Now, that's not to say everyone has really positive, constructive relationships with their parents. I certainly know some of my friends who don't, and even my kids. You know, it's not always been sunshine and roses for us either, but we literally are. The human race is propagated by actual parents, actual people that beget us. Yes. And so I guess what the moral of the story is. Just find gratitude for your parents and particularly your mother. Yeah. And also you can mother other people without being biologically their mother. So. Yeah, absolutely. I love that. So, Cam, just a little bit of history about the sandwich generation, which I just found some of this research and facts to be absolutely fascinating. Between 1902 thousand life expectancy increased from age 47 to age 76. Which is not surprising to me at all. But what that means is that our population is filling with older adults. Right. And like you said earlier, most of the caregiving, like falls on the lap of a woman. Right, exactly. Exactly. And, you know, one thing I've noticed with some people in our generation, Cam, I was a mom at a very young age, but I traveled with a man this week, a sales rep. And he and his wife are in their late forties and they have a eight year old. So people are becoming parents much later. So a lot of this shifting generationally, you know, he told me that his dad wasn't well. This is like a 48, 49 year old man with an eight year old and a parent who needs assistance. So this is. This is a really a very big deal. So what you're saying. And I'm thinking of my own husband. So if you become a parent later in life, you're more likely to be a sandwich generation. Yeah, I was 28 and 30 when I was a mom, so. And I think you were young too, right? Yeah, yeah, I was younger than that. I was like 25 and 28, so. But I do, you know, lots of my friends have children that are older and younger. And I still consider, even though my children are adults, like firmly adults, like we barely. I don't even think you could say what we do is financial support. Sometimes it's just a little boost. But I still feel like I'm a sandwich generation person because the amount of care we have to give at least my mother in law right now is profound. Yeah. Interesting. Very interesting. So 3.5 million people, mostly women, were doing responsible for their aging parent and their dependent child. 3.5 of us. Whoa. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot of people. And here's another really interesting and sobering fact. The sandwich generation. These people that care simultaneously for kids and adults give care, but they don't receive care. So think about how draining that can be if you're doling all of this out and it may really feel like your cup is running empty. And I totally understand that. Yeah. I wrote ouch in our little show notes because I was like, holy cow, that's sobering. And I can relate to my mother. I remember I was out of college when my grandmother moved in with her and then moved on to a retirement center. But I remember the stress it was on the burden. It was on my mom because she was going to work, yet she was worried about my grandmother and stairs. And I saw my mom's cup run dry during this time of life. And it was so their relationship blossomed. It was so much better when grandma had her own independence and she was safe and my mom could do her life like that was easier for them. I am sure. I can't even imagine. Which brings up another fact. The average adult who is caring for both children and aging relatives spends 50 hours a week doing this caregiving in addition to whatever their career and or income related activities are. Yeah. How could you not be running empty? There's no time to take care of yourself when you're doing a full time job or whatever your job is and 50 more hours a week. Whoa, that, that's crazy to me. I can't even imagine how that would work. Yes. And then, of course, this makes sense. Many people report an increase in financial burden once they start giving for both their kids and their parents at the same time. Yeah. Because even I see it with my husband and my mother in law. You know, just for instance, on Friday, he took her to the doctor. She needed a prescription refill that was called in, and he took her home because he needed to give the pharmacy time to, to refill the prescription. And he was like, he, she said to him, here's my credit card to pay for it. And he was like, mom, don't worry about it because I don't want to deal with having to sign your name. Same when he goes to the grocery store for her. So you know, these little expenses that may be dollar 25 here or whatever here and there, it does add up. So suddenly you're taking on a percentage of someone else's living expenses. And at the end of the month that may add up to be quite a bit. And we're very fortunate that we can afford to do that without any suffering, but there's a lot of people that can't. So if you think about the people that are the sandwich generation that are barely making ends meet, they don't have the money to hire help for their parent, so they're having to do all of that. Maybe they have to have the parent move in with them. And that's a huge, it can be a blessing, but it can also be quite, quite the burden. Well, sure, because you have these independent people living under the same roof. Is it like when your kids come from college? Exactly. But it's not your kid anymore. It's your mom or your dad or another family member. Oh boy. Yeah. And one last thing I wanted to say about the sandwich generation, and this was, makes me a little bit sad, but I understand it. Sandwich generation people may be forced to leave jobs or turn down promotions because they must spend so much time providing the care. Again, I'll use my family as an example. Every morning or most mornings I try to remember to tell my husband, what can I do to help you today? Because we never know what his mom is going to need. And he's like, just go to work, it's all fine. And it makes me feel guilty that I don't have to do the caregiving. But I also know that my income is secure. I'm going to get a paycheck because Friday this week he worked for 2 hours about and then the whole rest of his day was dealt with. Her was with his mom. So whatever income he would have made during that time is basically either put, it's not lost, it's put off. But if you're a person that does shift work or an hourly worker where if you don't go to work, you just don't get paid, or if you're independently employed, like, you know, people that are independently employed, if they're not working, they're not getting paid. So that's, that's tough. Yeah. And I just want to, while you were speaking, remember when your father was ill and what a burden that was on you? So you were holding down your full time job. But can you just remind us what that was like, for you? Yeah, I mean, I think it was a little bit of a blur. Cam. I was definitely on autopilot. He was in the hospital for about seven weeks. And I would go. My uncle and I, we were the primary people who would check up on him. We had designated days, so I would work my regular day and then I would go see him for 2 hours in the evening. And then I'd drive home. And it was more of an emotional burden than anything else because I was hurting, I was grieving because I knew he was probably going to die. So I didn't have the physical burden of like, bathing him or feeding him, but it was a lot. So my days were instantly went from maybe nine or 10 hours to twelve or 13 hours. So I was surviving on, you know, eating in the car on the way to work and maybe on the way home working. I actually tried to work out as much as I could, but there was a lot of self care that was neglected during that time. Yeah, and that's actually what we're going to talk about, ness, is coping. When you're in this situation, when you're in the sandwich between, you know, caring for your kids and then also your parents at the same time, it's hard. So self care is the number one thing. And we've talked, we've got whole episodes on self care. But I will caveat to say that everyone's self care might look a little bit different. So what does self care need for you? And I think, Cam, I'd love to know your opinion. I think that takes a lot of introspection to know what that means. Absolutely. I think it's like, what's your bare minimum? Like, what is the one thing that's going to keep your health in line and your sanity in check and all the things. So I would say sleep would be on your list, too. 100%. Yeah. And so if you need to use melatonin or magnesium or, you know, whatever, whatever it is to make sure you're getting sound sleep, because life will be better if you're sleeping 100%. And with that, you know, asking for help and whatever asking for help means, it may mean asking for help for yourself with regard to, you know, if you do have a child still at home. Hey, honey, can you unload the dishwasher? Can you run the vacuum? I mean, if you have a student at the home. You know, I myself and some of my friends viewed being a student as that's their job. But I don't think it's bad or overburdening. Your teenager to insist that they help you in time of need. They need to know that a family is part of a being, part of a community, and they need to pitch in. That's your opinion. Take the trash out. If it's overflowing, do not put another thing in it. That happened at my house today, and I was like, woke up this morning, I was like, somebody needs to take the recycling out. Okay, I will, but we're gonna have a talk about it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. The next one is hire help, and so that's an option. And hire help can be like hiring help to get your groceries. Like, you get instacart. Ordering groceries online. Like, hire help does not mean hiring help for caregiving. It could be that, but also, what else could, you know? Do you need a dog walker or somebody to clean your house? Get your groceries? So those are things that came to mind right away. What about you? What do you think of. Yeah, same. I was actually with my mother in law. I keep trying to get my husband to hire help to come in maybe an hour a day. So one of my really good friends who's a loyal listener to the podcast, her mother in law is not well, and I believe they have a caregiver that comes to help. Like, an hour in the morning helps her get dressed and all of that, and then an hour in the evening. It doesn't have to be round the clock care. Most communities do have agencies, and word of mouth is the best way to get a qualified help, in my opinion. But there's that. But I love what you said about Instacart, because even my daughter, who's 30, she works a lot. She works two jobs, and she loves Instacart. It's a very nominal delivery fee, or maybe not at all, but she loves it, so there's tons of ways to get help. Dog Walker's another fantastic idea. So I personally do have a lady that helps me clean. She does the stuff I don't like to do, which is like dusting. I hate dusting. Like, I don't mind the laundry or the vacuuming, but dusting is horrible. So funny. Get some help. Yeah. So what would it like? What would take something off of your plate that's. You should hire out, right? Exactly. Yeah. Practicing open communication. I love that for all relationships, but this is essential. And I'll go back to my mom's story. Like, she's an only child, and I was already, I don't know, I was launched, I think my sister was still in college, and so she was really on her own. And, like, I don't know if we were there for looking back, I don't think we were there for her open communication at all. Yeah. And open communication could be with your children if they're still at home or even if they're at a nearby college. It could be with the older adult that you're caring for. It could be with your own spouse. So sometimes we have to be open. I mean, I know for myself, Cam, when I don't adhere to my minimums, I run out of bandwidth, and I have to be more communicative, because if I'm not, I tend to, my behavior becomes, let's just say it, what it is. Be bitchy or angry or frustrated, and it's because I haven't verbalized what's going on, and that's not fair to the people around me. Yeah. And the next one is running on stress and cortisol. And when I get really crabby, when I'm too, there's too much going on, I feel busyness behind my eyes. My brain is going wacky, and my fuse is really short. Yeah, me too. Yeah. And so knowing your triggers, like, really deep diving into yourself and, like, asking for help, being open to your communication, taking a walk by yourself, if that's what you need to recharge your batteries so you can serve other people, you do not want to run an empty. No, exactly. And I know for me, sometimes I have to be reminded about my triggers, and it may be a gentle reminder. My husband says something today about, you have a really hard time doing x. And for life of me, I promise you, I would tell you if I could remember what it was. And it wasn't meant as a criticism. It was a meantime, meant as a reminder. And I'm like, you're right. You're right. And so sometimes that you might need that gentle reminder as open communication from someone you love to, for you to realize, oh, I've hit the wall here, you know, I need some help. Yes, absolutely. I love this next one. Set boundaries and enforce them. Oh, boy. So, in my life, what's happening right now, I feel this sandwich generation. My father is moving closer to me, which is amazing. Instead of being thousands of miles away or however far it is, he's moving to the area. So that means on my shoulders, I'm looking for places for him to live that I feel good, that feel safe, and there's not a lot of stairs, and, you know, all the things that you're looking for to make sure your parent is in a safe place, and he's anxious. Like, of course, he's. He hasn't moved in 15 years, and, you know, there's a lot of messages going back and forth. And so I need to. I set a boundary this, just this afternoon. I said, I've got a really busy work week, but I can go do

this one thing at 09: 17:02

00 on Wednesday. And so I, like, set the boundary. So we'll see how that goes. Yeah. I love that you said that, because that's something I've had to enforce recently. It's more about work boundaries for me, but because I've got all this other, and when I was talking to my therapist, I was like, yeah, the first thing I want to do in the morning is grab my phone because I have colleagues in Spain, and they've been working for 6 hours. Or, you know, in the evening, I'm. I might look and see something from my west coast friends, colleagues. And she said, was that the company expectation? And I said, no, it's just me. She was like, stop it. Like, you need to stop it. You need to put the phone down. And so if you're like me, what really helps me is put do not disturb on my phone, like, my work phone. Like,

basically, at 05: 17:48

00 p.m.. I put on do not disturb. And even if I pick the phone up cam, it won't show those notifications. So there are actual physical things you can do to help you enforce those boundaries. And I highly suggest the do not disturb function on your phone. Yeah, I don't even know where that is. I'm gonna have to go find it. Yeah, it's in your settings. It's in your settings. Yeah. And, you know, it's been a lifesaver for me, so do not disturb. Wonderful thing. Why don't you go ahead and take the next one since it talks about work care? So, yeah, talk to your employer about flexible work hours. This is not possible for a lot of people. When I worked in actual laboratory medicine in a hospital, that was really not possible. But now a lot of work I can do is remote. I have a really good work friend, and his brother has undergone major reconstructive surgery after our cancer diagnosis last year, and just recently, he had to go be with his brother for two weeks to help him re acclimate to normal home living, and he was able to do that and work remotely. So even if the expectation, like my company's expectation, is that we work from home only two days a week, but when you're in a family crisis, most employers will work with you to help you, and it may be family leave. Like, there is an actual family medical leave act that you can investigate. So this goes kind of back to asking for help. Cam, there's tons of ways that you can engineer your life so that you're not dying. Don't play the martyr here. There is no award for that. Like, you are only going to burn yourself out. Yep. You're going to raise your cortisol and increase your belly fat, make your health go downhill. We do not. Absolutely. You need to be healthy. Yeah. And from my point of view, being an entrepreneur and owning my own business, um, it's really easy to get distracted by those notifications on my phone or responding to XYZ, to go look at XYZ, like, in my life right now, looking at different places. Yeah. So I have to do one thing at a time and do it well, because multitasking is a big, fat lie, and I have to remind myself of that. And also, like, I don't want. My business is very important to me, but it's really easy to, like, go take care of other people's needs before that needs. Right. So it's a different perspective, but, yes, there's ways to work around it. Self discipline, in my case, absolutely. The next one, Cam, is really hard. I think, for you and I both, it's to let go of the desire to achieve the perfect balance. Why did you say that? Well, because you're an enneagram one and I'm an enneagram three, and this is tough. I mean, you know, anytime you put the word perfect in front of anything, that's tough, because we both strive for excellence. And I think in situations where we are, like, we're feeling like a sandwich. Like, we're literally feeling like the middle of a sandwich. Yes. Like a smush bologna sandwich in the bottom, right. Yeah, exactly. So the desire is there. And I think, Cam, for me, I've had to really lean into intention and say, I want to be a good employee. I want to be a good daughter and daughter in law and mother. I'm doing the best I can and let it go. Like, I. Like, if my mother in law complains that I haven't done x or my employer is like, hey, I need this yesterday, I will apologize and say I'll try to do better, but dang it, I'm not going to beat myself up over. I'm doing the best I can. I love that. And today, like, I took a break from all the things that are going on in my life. And I dug in the dirt. It was amazing, and it wasn't perfect, but I feel so much better. I feel more grounded. And, yes, it was good. I'm so glad you did that. That sounds super therapeutic. Yeah. And I look really, like, sweaty and gross, but that's all right. We're not on video. Yeah, absolutely. Um, yes. And I love this one. Know your minimums. What? And we actually talked about this earlier, like, what are the things that. Where's the stress in your life? Where can you take that away from yourself? And your minimums, for me, would definitely be sleep. I would say whole, colorful foods and probably hydration. Those would be my top three. And then I've noticed I move around a lot, but, like, when I, like, structured exercise tends to fall off. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but that's the thing that falls off for me. The first. That's really interesting. I think my minimums are the same as yours, for sure. And I think that list needs to be short, because if you're feeling overwhelmed, why have, like, this whole list of things that you must do? It's just adding to your warm lemon with water before, like, no, no, I'm drinking my coffee and, like, yeah, and I'll move my body, but I like. Anyway. Yes. So. Exactly. I like the shortlist. Short list, for sure. The next one I love, and I can give examples here, is laugh a little. Humor goes a long way to relieve stress. We have two other couples in our church that we probably see once a quarter, and they're both in the same situation and not being disrespectful. So let me put that out there right now. But we do joke about the funny things we've had to do in our caregiving roles for our elder people. And they're funny. Like, you know, they. They lose their phones and how we help them find their phones or someone's constipated or, you know, whatever. It's to find humor instead of crying is always a good thing. So if you. This kind of goes along with finding friends and finding group. Yeah. You found a community. Yeah, I did. I did. And it was kind of like Cam, when our kids were little and we were sleep deprived because we're breastfeeding babies at all hours, it's similar. It feels very similar that we're finding community with people in similar situations. I love that I connected with someone. I went to red light and cryotherapy, and I was speaking to someone that works on Sunday, and I love her to death. She's adorable, and her father is also older, and so we were chatting about the things, and so I. She's the beginning of my community, I guess. And you'll find it more and more, especially as you start finding people. And it's weird how when you reach a phase in life where you. The universe knows that you need support, how these people kind of drop in and you're like, oh, wow, I'm so glad I met you. Yeah. Love it. And then, you know, know that you're not alone is how we're gonna end this one. Yeah. You're not alone. And just before we hit record today, Amelia and I caught up for almost an hour. We were really chatty today because we have a lot going on in our lives, and, you know, it's important to have people that you can connect with and know that you're not alone. Share. Share the stuff. Share the. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we kind of talk in tongue in cheek about social media and it being everyone's highlight reel, but you aren't alone, and everyone goes through hard times. And I think midlife is exactly where we're feeling these pressures from both ends. And so whether your challenge is an older adult or a budding adult, you know, we get you right? Like, we're right there with you and know that it's tough and there's lots and lots of ways that you can get help. Absolutely. And actually, I would love. We would love to hear from you. So send us a message on Instagram. You know, talk to us, like, what's going on with you? Because we would love to hear from you because you are not alone. Amelia and I met on Instagram, so. There are friends everywhere. There are friends everywhere. Thanks for listening today. You can find us on Instagram@midlife.mommas For all of our other contact info, check out the show description below, and we will talk to you next week.