What does 'beauty' mean in midlife?

What IS Beauty?
Do you consider yourself beautiful?

In this episode of the Midlife Mommas we explore Beauty in Midlife! You know Cam and Amelia, so you know this isn't simply about outward beauty. We explore how our vision of beauty was shaped by 70' and 80's culture (including diet culture), and how we have matured as women. We include brief discussions on diversity and how we continue to check our attitudes, and question our values around beauty.

Take Heart! This isn't a convo about the latest beauty secrets. This a REAL talk about all that is beautiful in Midlife!
00:00 Exploring beauty and aging in midlife.
06:15 Challenging beauty standards, unrealistic ideals for women.
08:39 Online movement embracing natural silver hair beauty.
10:29 Enneagram three seeks validation, upbringing shapes choices.
14:09 Childhood memories of admiring glamorous hairstyles.
17:49 People make choices about their physical bodies.
22:11 Children prefer minimalist makeup, focus on inner beauty.
25:50 Country song tells story about hiding crazy.
27:25 Explore journaling, meditation, and finding inner beauty.

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Amelia

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Cam

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Transcript

0:08

So, Cam, are you a beauty? We're going to talk about beauty in midlife. Hi, I'm Cam, holistic health coach, mom to two humans and four pets. Hi, I'm Amelia, laboratory scientist by day and food scientist us by night. Welcome to our show. Join us as we share our holistic approach to life. After 50, you can expect real life stories with a dash of humor and a ton of truth. If it happens in midlife, we're going to talk about it. So hit that subscribe button and follow along. We're the Midlife Mamas. Hey, Amelia. Welcome to the show, everybody. We're so glad that you're here. We're talking about this today. Okay. Yeah. And this came up, Cam, and we've talked about this offline, but just so our listeners are on board with this subject recently. I don't know if I've even said this on air before, but my father in law died, and he was 92. And my mother in law is 85 years old. She's very frail, but in her vulnerability and, honestly, her grief, I found such beauty. And when you're older, her skin is almost translucent, and she's got, like, this wispy gray hair. And it got me thinking, how do we view beauty in midlife? Are we viewing it the same way as we did in our 20s? Are we giving ourselves that grace? Do we view beauty in ourselves the same as others? So I was just like, I want to have this conversation. I want to see what everybody thinks. Yeah. I love this. And I remember looking at my grandma. She was almost 99 when she passed from many bell, my mom's mom. And she was beautiful as well. She was. Oh, honey. The way she talked, and she had this amazing skin. And like I said, she was almost 99. So I love this conversation. I think, honestly, I've been really hard on myself in the past. My younger me was not nice to her when I'd look in the mirror, and I wasn't kind to her anyway. Yeah, I agree. I feel like I've changed my ways a little bit, and that's good. And we've talked about your curly hair and my generous thighs. And what does that mean in the face of, quote, I use air quotes here, beauty. But we can define beauty in a lot of different ways. Cam, the couple that are in our notes that I kind of find fascinating is as an aesthetic, because we can talk about beauty as in art, because some people find some pieces of art beautiful, and some people find it not. Or beauty as an attitude. And I think both of those things are valid when we talk about beauty in midlife. Yeah, I'm definitely leaning more towards the attitude, though, the older I get. What do you think? I don't know. No, I absolutely agree. And I think this applies to handsomeness if you're a man. And I use the example. I worked with a guy and I was actually in my twenty s and early thirty s. And when I first met this guy, I thought, not that he was ugly, but there was no attraction. I mean, even from a platonic standpoint, Cam, I got to know him and I just, every time I saw him, once I got to him, I just wanted to hug him like he was the sweetest guy. And so that whole attitude about do you find this person attractive? It does play into how you feel about them, because if you're a butthead, let's just get it out there and say it. I'm just never going to find you attractive. I feel like there was a study, and I'm going to quote this wrong, but it was little kids, like preschoolers judging something. Have you ever heard of that? And it was based on physical attributes anyway, so there is something to that. Maybe it gets you in the door, if you will, but really it's who you are on the inside that makes you beautiful, in my opinion. I agree. And I think we've talked about this before. So a sister to beauty or aesthetic beauty is like sexiness. And my husband says the sexiest thing a woman can wear is confidence. And no matter what your size or your age or whatever, you can be confident in the skin you're in. And that's beautiful. I totally agree. I'm having a flashback. This was way back when I lived in Indiana and I was with, I believe, my daughter, and we were at Walmart, which was not a fun place to go. But anyway, I was there and there was a woman, it was December because we were buying wrapping paper. I specifically remember this. She was wearing a bikini top and black jeans and it was December. She was in the checkout line in front of us. So I guess in her eyes or there was definitely confidence. I was like, what is happening into Walmart in front of. You know, Cam, I see it all the time. On the flip side as well, women who are trying so hard, they're wearing so much like, you know, isn't that heavy. Or their clothing style. It may be beautiful. So it's not even about the makeup that they're wearing or the style that they have. It's just, you can just see how hard they're trying and I almost feel sorry for them. I'm like, I bet you look just as beautiful without all of that. And one of my examples of this. Have you seen the newer version of a star is born with? Yes. Yes. A long time ago. Okay, so that movie, Gaga has a very big stage presence, and she's got a spectacular voice, and she wears a lot of makeup. I thought she was gorgeous in that movie where she looks very plain, she looks very ethnic, and I love that. I love the fact that I almost didn't recognize her. And now I'm like, I want to see that girl. I want to see that girl that doesn't wear all the makeup. Very interesting. It is really interesting because I think one of the things that's made me feel different is what society feels like is beautiful. I know you've had the story about the curly hair, but was there a point where you were like, okay, society says this, but our culture says this, and I don't feel that way or whatever. I mean, growing up, I remember looking at Cosmopolitan magazine and comparing myself to that, and that is like, I'm not interested in that. But as a teenager growing up or as a young woman, that was what you considered beautiful, and that was considered sexy, and I wasn't those things. So then what do you do? I'm not sure. So I think it's very challenging. Or even. Let's go even to the Barbie. The Barbie has a figure that's not even realistic. I forget what the stats would be if she was a real human. But that's another example of how did we grow up? What was beauty defined as then? And I've never fit into any of those roles, so I don't know. Yeah, I agree. I remember Cosmo. Cosmo was a little bit racy. Me and my girlfriends, we looked at glamour magazines. But I guarantee you, if we went to the drugstore today, I don't know what the popular magazines were. The last time I picked one up, I was probably 32. And Allure magazine, mademoiselle. But there's still beauty tips in there. And guess what? All of those beauty tips are about changing something about you. They're about makeup, they're about your hair. And I'm like, I don't even care about that stuff anymore. I do. That's a lie. I'm telling you a lie right now because I still wear makeup to work. But the fact that of trying to change, I guess, is what I'm getting at. That I don't buy. Yeah. So that is definitely my midlife awakening because I've started to embrace my curly hair back in 2020. So that was one year into menopause. Yeah. And it's just kind of like, right now, I'm showing up on a Sunday with wet hair, no makeup, and no bra on, and Amelia doesn't care. She still loves me. No, I totally do. And I've stopped color. I think we've talked about this before, not out of, like, there wasn't any awakening. I stopped coloring my hair. Well, it's been over a year only because it was expensive. And I was like, let me just try. And I don't have a whole lot of gray hair, and what's there really looks natural. It just looks almost like it's blonde. But, I mean, that's another thing. Hair color is probably the easiest ones, because almost everybody I know colors their hair, and I'm fine with that. Like, you do you, girl, if you really like it, I want you to do it. But I think we're trying to change for someone else's expectation. It starts to make me feel like. Well, and there's a whole movement online, the silver hair sisters, or whatever they call themselves, and they are, like, going natural, and I think it's beautiful, and I think it's confidence. And so I think it's beautiful because they're confident in. There was one lady in particular, I don't know her handle on Instagram, but I've watched her whole transformation. So she let her hair go natural, and then the next phase, and this has been years, right? The next phase was starting to work, so. But her reasons for working out weren't because of somebody else's. It was because of her midlife awakening, and she decided to take care of her body, her physical body. So, yeah, it's been fun to watch that kind of thing. You know, Cam and I think it's really interesting because I think as midlife women, we want to say we're doing things like working out for our health. I have to be honest with myself, is I still like the aesthetic of fitting into my jeans. You know what I mean? But I want other women to feel confident enough to wear the makeup or not wear the makeup color of the hair or not color of the hair, but own that decision. You know what I mean? And that's that confidence. Right? Is owning that decision. Well, I really think it boils down to what's inside of you. What do you want on the inside versus pleasing someone on the outside? I've recently learned this, and it keeps coming up for me. I love taking classes. I'm always taking classes. I'm always reading multiple books. But why am I doing that? So I've really checked myself. Like it's because of something inside of me, not because I'm broken or I need this hole fixed in my business or XYZ. Whatever the reason is, I'm choosing to do that. My intentions are different, if you will. Like, the motivation behind. It's the same thing that we're talking about here. What's the internal like? Why are you doing that? To get in touch with the inside. It's hard. Yeah. And last week we talked about crock potting ideas. And I think, for me, I say this all the time, and I hope it doesn't come across as, like, a crutch, but an enneagram three, which is what I am. We like to perform. We do seek external validation, and I'm kind of wired that way. So it's taken me a lot of time of that crock potting of ideas and really sitting with, what is it about this that is attractive to me? Why do I want this? Whether it's clothing or a specific workout or the makeup and the hair? And sometimes it's hard to know because how do you know what was baked into your expectations as a child? Because you looked at glamour magazine or because your mom. My mother always wore makeup, and my mom was active, but she didn't work out like she did the yard work. So how much of that was subconsciously formed versus something I chose for myself? And I'm not even sure I know the answer still. Yeah. But I think that's what midlife is about. It's like boiling it down and saying, yes, this is for me. Yes, I picked this up and chose to carry it, or, no, that was planted. It's not even my thought or idea. It's time to fold the weed. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And I did that as an adult with my walk of faith and going to church and stuff. I came from a really fundamentalist background, and I had to push away, like, makeup, like, my mother wore makeup, but my dad's mother thought that was sinful. It was sinful to wear makeup or adorn yourself or even go to the movies. So I had to really unpack, because on the one hand, I didn't want to feel guilty about it, but on the other hand, I didn't want to feel obligated to do it. So I'm an amateur psychologist over here, like, overthinking everything. But I think there's merit to figuring out where you stand on some of this stuff. Again, it's the midlife awakening, like, really getting to know and understand yourself. And you mentioned the Enneagram. I had a conversation with some women last week. I think it's a tool to unlock, to unlock yourself, to understand what your triggers are or why you do certain things or why you sink through certain things. The enneagram is like a key into that. Right. But also, it's just part of you, because there's way more than just that about you. That is true. That is true. And when I look at my need to please, as it were, seeking external validation, I am aware that if I do a good job for myself, like, I'm not at my work, I don't necessarily think, oh, well, I'm only doing this to please my boss. So I think there's a difference. And there could be that way with beauty, too. Right? Because for me, I don't color my hair, but I do wear makeup because it pleases me to see my face made up and not always see the. Dark circle under my eyes. Not that they're that bad. I mean, I do pretty well. But on the other hand, cam, when I don't go to my office or I don't go to church or whatever, like, today, I've been all over town and not a stitch of makeup on, and I'm not embarrassed. I'm fine. I love that. That's confidence. Yeah. I would say. But, I mean, do you think, like, for you, has your attitude towards beauty changed? I think you said yes 100%. I show on Instagram and TikTok with no makeup on and bedhead, and I film a video and put it out there for the world. That is way different. That is not the 40 year old me. I'm 55 now. 45. Won't even done that. I remember taking a shower before going to the gym. Yes, this is a true sentence. I took a shower and did my hair, whatever that meant, before I worked out. Yes. True. Yeah. I don't know that I did that, but I was very conscious. I remember as far back as fifth grade, my hair is very fine. My mother always kept it really short. And sometime it might have been fourth grade. There was a young girl that moved to our city from Florida, and it was probably somewhere like Tampa, Orlando, which seemed very big city and glamorous to me. And I loved her hair. And I was like, mom, I want to get my hair cut like that. Well, she had very thick hair. And so my mom took me to the same hairdresser that this girl went to, and it wasn't horrible, but it didn't look like hers. And I was upset. Imagine that. And that was kind of my first memory of thinking, I want something that someone else has. That was the first time I was really aware of it. However old you are, in fourth or fifth grade, and I carried that cam for a very long time wearing styles that other people wear. And it's just like, oh, I'm so sorry for you. Why did we waste our time? That. But it was also growth. Yeah. I believe that we grew up in that culture. We've talked about diet culture, but I also believe, like, trying to have a certain hairstyle or wear certain clothes or whatever, I think that was the pressure. We're a gen x generation, and that's kind of how it was. Yeah. So we can look back. I mean, I don't know. It brought us to where we are today. Yes. I think fifth grade is pivotal, too, because I remember it was a boy in english class saying something about women or girls with hair on their face, and I was like, well, you're talking about me. Do I have hair on my face? Well, probably I do now. I have chin hairs. That's a whole nother story. Yeah, I do, too. But it goes back to some women have their body hair is darker or coarser or thicker. That can be a source of embarrassment for some women. And I've actually known my friends daughters who had that, that would shave their arms. And I thought, well, that's part of who you don't. I felt bad for. I guess. I guess everybody has to grow at their own pace. Well, I have really long arm hair, too, Amelia, but it's not coarse. But I've been known to cut it because I'm like, why is it eight inches long? It's not eight inches long, but I could braid it. I felt like I could braid it anyway. Funny. Yeah. So it's just one of those things. And I don't know why I'm that way, but it is that way. Yeah. And for a while, there's a tv show, I forgot what channel it's on. One of the cable channels called Botched. Have you ever seen botched? Are you familiar with that? It's plastic surgery. That's. Yes, and some of it, I have to say, some of these people have had accidents. They've a burn victim and legitimate medical need for repair. But some of it is they've gone to some third world country to get Botox and somebody injected them with cement or they've tried to shave their nose to make it smaller, and all of a sudden, they have no cartilage left. And I'm kind of mesmerized. It's kind of grotesque. But I also wonder, why are these people doing this? Why go to that much extreme to actually change your appearance? I don't know. But lately on my social media, there's at least two women that I know of that have had explants. They've had their breast implants removed, and they're living very openly about why. I mean, who knows why they chose it, but now they're choosing against it. So it's very interesting. And the one in particular I just discovered today or yesterday, I remember when she got them. So it wasn't that long ago, because I haven't been on instagram that long. And now she's like, nope, they're out of here. So it's know, it could be a medical reason. Like one was leaking. I know in one person and there know inflammation and other things. But also the one today, she's like, I just want them out of my way. So it's interesting, even living publicly online, you can see how some people have made choices of their physical body and what was their motivation? Who knows? Maybe it was external, maybe it was trying to find that confidence. And then they realized that confidence wasn't that. That's not going to equal the confidence, and they've chosen to take them out. So it's an interesting trend I've noticed lately. Yeah, it is. And I think it is truly a trend. Especially, I don't know how old these women were you were watching, but I think it's especially a trend in women our age. Yeah. One was 50. No, one was 52. One's younger. But the one I'm thinking of is 52. It's really interesting. So, Cam, do you think, even as we are talking about this awakening and exploring beauty in different ways, do you think typically women, and I'll even take the age kind of the midlife thing off of this one, do you think they view other women's beauty through the same lens as they view their own beauty, or do you think it's different? I'm not really sure. From a spiritual point of view or from a psychology point of view, you only can see in someone else that exists in you, but maybe you're not acknowledging it. Interesting. People mirror to you. So if someone annoys you, that trait is also in you. We've talked about that before. But if something is beautiful in someone else, that is a mirror about yourself. And so that's how I would answer that question. That's really great and I love that. It's just very profound. Because for a long time, even I have to admit, not that long ago, I would observe other women as beautiful. And I thought, well, why do I think they're beautiful? What about them is beautiful? Because I think, for instance, I used to be friends with a girl who had her, her nose was big and she was very self conscious about this nose. But her overall appearance to me was gorgeous. She had beautiful long, curly hair. She had this gorgeous big smile. And so I thought her nose just fit her face. But with irregularities about my own body, I would not have afforded myself that same grace. I was probably in my late thirty s at the time she and I were friends. So I think for me, I give more grace to other people that I afford myself about a lot of things, not just my appearance. Well, no, that's fair, but I'm just taking it like another layer deeper. So that also exists in you, but maybe you just didn't know it at the time. How's that? Yeah, I mean, I think that's a really good point. But so many times I have heard people say just little things like they love my hair or how do I stay trim, or this, that or the other. And I don't mind telling them, but I'm just like, you are so beautiful. Like you are. Like we talked about at the top, what's the motivation? Because trying to change is just. You're chasing a pipe dream. Totally. And here we are in our mid to upper 50s. We're only going to keep aging. That's like inevitable. So I feel like embracing who we are physically, emotionally, spiritually, all the parts. It's a time to integrate all of those things in midlife. That's how I feel. Yeah, I agree. And one other thing I wanted to bring up is I've noticed over the last maybe five years there is more commercial or mainstream marketing that includes different skin tones, different body shapes. And Dove, I think, is one of those that has done a really good job with that. So I think that's great for younger women and children that we're starting to see that because for so long, thin and white was what we thought was beautiful. And that left out, like a huge majority of women. Yeah. And that's how we grew up. So I think if I asked my daughter, who's 24, her definition of beauty would be way different than my definition at 24, 100%. What about your girls? Do you think the same? Yeah, I think so. And my children are not real girly like, they will dress up. And it's not that they don't like it, but their jobs and their being and their makeup look is minimal. And as a matter of fact, it's probably been a while now, but my children have asked me to help them with makeup, even in the last two or three years if they wanted a little bit of a stronger look. So that's just not on their radar. On a daily basis, for a special occasion, maybe. But as far as straight up beauty, I don't remember ever asking them who they think is beautiful, but I definitely think that if they had to list characteristics, it would be way more of what they saw of the person's inside rather than, oh, I love her because she has skinny legs or I love her because she has blue eyes or whatever. You know what I mean? I don't think I'd get any of that. Yeah. I think we just grew up in a different time. I just remember sitting in the car once, and you know how your thighs spread and they touch. Yes. I was in the backseat, and the person driving, who I will not name her legs didn't touch like that. And I was like, what's wrong with my legs now? I told you, in Crossfit, I reframe them. Big, strong legs can move bigger weights, and also your legs carried you through life. So that's how I reframed it. But it took me. I was in my 40s before I started embracing my legs. But it's a great way because I see a lot of women that try to dress to hide what they perceive to be flaws. And that makes me sad sometimes, too. But I want them to feel beautiful. So if that is what it takes, then that's fine. Here I am sounding like I'm judging other people for what they find beautiful. And I don't mean to be that way, Cam. It's just I want people to really appreciate who they are on the inside and on the outside. I think it takes some therapy, maybe. So maybe some journaling, maybe some meditation into whatever it takes. I don't know. That's how I got there. And now I show up on Instagram. Pretty raw. My mom would be mortified. No, but I've seen your Instagram posts, and you always look happy. And maybe that's part of the key to beauty, is being happy. You know, it's interesting. When I look back at pictures in my 40s, when I was not happy going through divorce and everything, maybe I was smiling, but I know I remember how I felt on the inside, and it's a different feeling when you are happy on the inside, it comes out differently. I don't know if you've experienced that. I agree. I agree 100%. Because also, what I've also learned is that happiness. Well, maybe joy. Maybe I'm talking about Joy because I think joy and happy can be perceived differently, but I'm trying more and more to live into contentment and joy aside from circumstance. You know what? You know, work it. Life work. Relationships are hard. It's just the way it is. But it shouldn't rob me of joy and therefore rob me of the beauty of life, if that makes any sense. I do agree. And I was also thinking while you were speaking, we both were raised by southern moms, and in the south, things were different. It had to look nice and shiny on the outside, and it didn't matter what was going on. On the. Yes. Yeah. Even my sister, she went to University of Georgia, and I remember them wearing, like, Laura Ashley dresses to the football game. And I was like, what is happening here? We didn't do that at iU. We were lucky if you made it out of the tailgate to get to the game anyway. So it's a different perception. So there is cultural. I think cultural is part of it, as well. Yeah. There's actually a country song when you were speaking that I was thinking about, and I don't remember. It's a female artist, and it tells a story like all country songs do, but it talks about her mama telling her to hide her crazy. And it might be Miranda Lambert. It might be Carrie Underwood. I can't remember. I should look on my phone. But it's kind of like that whole story of this woman gets jilted and what she does and how the Southern Baptist wouldn't approve and how you're supposed to hide your crazy. And I'm like, that's so true. Because part of that is keeping up the, quote, beautiful appearance of this fairy tale life that none of us actually have. No, it's a big lie. You might as well just be. Exactly. But, you know, I think, Cam, for me, I use the word beauty and beautiful, but I'm very careful about telling people they look beautiful versus they are beautiful because I don't want them to think I'm only looking at their appearance. You know what I mean? I want them to know that I feel that way about them as a person. Right. Because the first way sounds temporary, and it's actually not. It does. Temporary. It's from within and raises sunshine coming out. So before we close up, Cam, is there any advice you would give to women who might be listening about finding their beauty? I'm not really sure. I really think therapy and going through menopause therapy and menopause will kind of do it for you. Yeah, I agree. And I'd throw in there just like we were talking about finding yourself, journaling, meditation, and really think about what you think beauty is to you and living into your own beauty, your inner beauty, just not just your outer beauty. I love it. Great conversation. Thanks for listening today. You can find us on instagram@midlife.mommas For all of our other contact info. Check out the show description below and we will talk to you next week.