The Purpose of Midlife Friends

It's the FIRST time Cam and Amelia have met in person!
Join us for this 'friend-focused' conversation. Following this monumental meeting, we decided it would be fun to record record together! Join us for this fun look at friendship! We talk about friends we meet at school, at church, through fitness, through our children, and through our community. Each of these friendships offer comfort, laughter and purpose.

00:02:57 Funny reconnecting story leads to reaching out.
00:04:28 Online connections are powerful and potentially scary, but there's a safe way.
00:08:01 Daughter lives in NJ, interacts with neighbors.
00:11:00 Funny conversation about finding a girlfriend at church.
00:14:41 Centering friendships around alcohol, fitness, and common values.
00:18:16 Distinct friend groups representing different life stages.
00:19:54 Nostalgic joy in photos with old friends.
00:22:21 Teaching blurred with personal life, then reconnecting.
00:26:05 No fallout, just distance; uncertain about friendship.

Stay Connected!
Amelia

• Website: https://www.thehelpfulplate.com/
• IG: https://www.instagram.com/thehelpfulplate/

Cam

• Website: https://www.camoyler.com/
• IG: https://www.instagram.com/heymomma_cam/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@heymomma_cam

Midlife Mommas IG: https://www.instagram.com/midlife.mommas/

Please share, rate, and review the podcast. We appreciate you! ❤️

Transcript

0:00

Cam. It's nice to finally meet you in person. Hi, Amelia. I'm in North Carolina and we met this morning for the first time. And we're recording in real life with one microphone, so we hope this doesn't sound like poop. Hi, I'm Cam, Holistic, health coach, mom to two humans and four pets. Hi, I'm Amelia, laboratory scientist by day and food scientist by night. Eight. Welcome to our show. Join us as we share our holistic approach to life. After 50, you can expect real life stories with a dash of humor and a ton of truth. If it happens in midlife, we're going to talk about it. So hit that subscribe button and follow along. We're the midlife mommas. We're going to give it our best shot. But we were walking this morning. We met, we did our thing, and we thought, what would be a great subject to talk about in person that our listeners would really resonate with? So we landed on friendships with purpose. Yeah. And so we have different seasons of friendships. You have online friends, friends that you meet in real life, community friends, fitness friends, whatever. And that's what we're going to talk about today. Yeah, absolutely. And let's just kind of recap where we started, Cam, because it's been over two years. I think three years ago, you sent me a message on Instagram. It was the fall three years ago, and I was like, what does she want? Who is this? So online friends can really work. So I reached out and we ended up doing if you've been a longtime listener, you know that we used to do Instagram Lives, and we were called something. Were we called something else? No. It was called what your mama did. Oh, that's right. So we had a slightly different take. And then all by ourselves, believe it or not, we figured out how to be podcasters. Yeah, it was totally your idea to start a podcast, because I love it, but I wouldn't have started it. So thank you for the push, but. We'Ve learned so much, and literally, it seems like if not weekly, not infrequently. People ask about us. And I think some people are really surprised, a, that we've never met, and B, that we figured out how to do this all by ourselves. Yeah, we totally figured it out. We put record and publish it and all the things you do with the podcast. So we're very glad that you're here and we're just happy to share our story with you. And today we're going to just talk about different kinds of friends and how it matters in midlife, because that is one of the things off your plate that brings health. Yeah, absolutely. So we were talking about this earlier. I actually am doing a small group with my church, and one of the things we talked about wants versus needs. Cam and one of the things we really need as humans is connection with others. So whether your friends are online or community or through church or you're wherever, friends and community and relationship is really important. I totally agree. And I feel like I cycle through my friends, like, oh, I haven't talked to her in a while. Oh, let's go for a walk know? Do you kind of keep track of your friends that way? Yeah, I do. And here's the really funny part is actually last night my husband and I were reconnecting after a very long day, and he was like, yeah, I called Michelle today, longtime friend of both of ours, and I was like, dang, I hadn't called her in so long. So we kind of keep each other in check and accountable. But I try to really mentally keep a list of when did I talk to this person? And sometimes Cam, I really feel like led to like, I haven't really talked to this person, and they're really heavy on my heart. Maybe I need to reach out. Yeah. I like those little nudges from the universe. Hello. You need to that happened before I flew here yesterday. A friend found some new snacks in Kroger and she sent it to two other friends. And I was like, okay, I haven't talked to either of them in a minute. Once had a baby since then, and we need to go for a walk. So it was just great way to reconnect. I don't officially do it. It's very unofficial, but I do try to keep track and rotate through my. I think, you know, it makes us feel good. It makes other people feel good for us to say, I'm thinking about you. And sometimes actually that can take the form of a text message or actually still like to handwrite notes occasionally. So this reaching out and this reconnection can take many different forms. Absolutely. And it's really part of your midlife health. So we're going to start with online friends because here we are, online friends. And here's a confession. I've met amelia is the third online friend I've met. I've met two former clients recently, one in Washington State and one came to visit in Cincinnati, and she lives in North Carolina as well. Charlotte, though. And now here I am in North Carolina meeting you, which is so amazing. I love that because I don't know that I have any other online connections that I have met in person like that, but I think it's cool that you did. I think it's just a testament to how powerful online communication is. And it may be that you're online friends with someone that you knew when you were a kid and maybe you reconnect with that person. But I think some people are a little afraid of online connections, especially if you happen to be single. And just a shout out, we did do an episode for Single Ladies a few months ago, but that can be a little scary. But I think there's a safe way to do it. And also, so people are meeting their spouses online, so why not meet your friends online? Right? Exactly. Let's expand our view here. Yeah. So online friends are amazing because it literally doesn't matter where you are. Time, space, and gravity doesn't matter. You can just reach out on Instagram and connect with someone. And more and more people cam are connecting online, like via FaceTime or if your kids live far away, because I know you don't live close to yours and I don't live close to mine. That's a great way to see that person you care about and use a technology that we now have that we didn't have with our parents when we were in our 20s. Totally true. I did have a family Zoom time once with my parents and my kids, and we were all different locations, but it's been a couple of years. Maybe I'll redo that in November. I think that's a good idea. Was it successful? Yeah, it was fun. I mean, did everybody talk over one another, or were you pretty good about letting everybody speak? It was good, and my sister was on there and her kids, and it was like I think we had four or five states on there, so it was really fun. And so I think I'm going to do it again. Yeah. I'd be interested to know if any of our listeners are listening as we're talking about online presence. If you communicate with your friends or your family or especially your kids in that manner. Because I think we all need to be reminded that we have so many connection points now and ways to reconnect that we should use them. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a traditional friendship. It doesn't have to be a traditional connection. The sky's, the absolutely. Okay, so yeah. So online friends. So we encourage you to make online friends. I run an online group. I encourage them to be friends with each other, and I feel, like, very connected to all of them. I was telling Amelia, like, I want the group to grow, but also I want to make sure I know who they are. I want to know them. So that's very important to me. Absolutely. Yeah. So let's talk about community friends. Like, people in your community. What would you say is your greatest? This is weird. So I have several friends in my community, and they're younger by about 15 years than I am. Their children are younger. They're still in grade school, but I found them in the community. Like, two of the ladies I'm thinking about I met because my daughter worked at a local business, and they were patrons of that business, and she was like, mom, you really need to meet these people. They're really cool. And then that kind of grew into a larger group, and some of those women have moved away. So now we're online friends. But it's really cool to meet people because the commonality is we live in that community, we patron the same stores, and I would have never found these people otherwise. Yeah. And I feel like that is missing from my life. I got married two years ago and I moved to his community, and I feel like that is an empty hole in my life, honestly. Well, do you have neighbors? We do. And so my cross the street neighbors, I believe I've told you this, we had like three or four ambulances runs in a month at my street. Most of my neighbors are older than us. Okay. Like retired and elderly older. That kind of older. And so across the street I have one lady and she watches my cats and I see her on occasion, but not the kind of community you're speaking of. Well, you know, my daughter lives in New Jersey and she and her boyfriend bought a house. And they do have neighbors that they interact with. In fact, I think last weekend the guy that lives across the street went hiking with them. So I feel like she's done a really good job. I don't know about my other daughter, but I see it in some neighborhood. It's almost like some neighborhoods are more structured in a way. Like if you live on a cul de sac, there was a time when people had block parties, and I don't know if that's a thing anymore, but I think people gravitate towards folks in their community at a gym that may be a place. Now, see that I had a very strong gym community in my forty s, and so I don't have that at the moment. So yeah, I agree with you. Also, where are the front porches? We were talking about that earlier. We're in Raleigh driving around and everyone has a front porch. And so front porch living was a way to meet your community, and we just don't have those. Yeah. And I think people are so busy cam, I feel know, you go to work, you come home, we go a lot more places and we go a lot further from our home. So spending time in your community and specifically in your neighborhood, I'm just not sure it's as common now as it used to be. I feel like when I see your life, you're very connected to your community and the stores in your community. Well, that's you. Yeah. You posted something on Instagram stories today, what business you were. That's true. And I feel like you know the people who work there and you know the owners and there's a connection. I do, too, but that can be misleading. I have to be honest with you, most of what you see on my Instagram stories is real. But sometimes just patroning somewhere isn't enough. I want to spend time with you like we're doing today. You know what I mean? It has to be more like I'm sharing my life with you rather than I'm just going to buy something, if that makes sense. Totally makes sense. I totally get that. Anyway, so community, your community friends are definitely an important bucket in midlife. Totally. Yeah. Next up, we're going to church. Yeah, absolutely. I feel like in some ways we've avoided overt talk about church for obvious reasons. I mean, it can be a really touchy subject, but I will out myself. I'm very connected to my church community and I have several ladies that listen to the podcast, but I'm Presbyterian and we met at the Wine Cellar last night. So that's kind of how we do things. But depending on where you are in life, it is a smaller community than your larger the city or the town where you live. And for me that's been very nurturing. And honestly, when we started this podcast, the idea you sent me a very long email, Amelia. And one of her values is her Christian values. And I am also a Christian and I also have been going to church regularly. I used to be a Catholic school teacher in my previous life, but now I go to a big community church and I've been going there since 2012. I switched religions, whatever. But I think it's also important and I'm glad that we're just saying that. Yeah, for sure. And it's funny. Oh, I know it was my husband was talking. He works with a guy and his son, and the son is probably in his twenty s and he's like, I want a relationship. I want a girlfriend who actually wants to be in relationship, not a hookup. And my husband was like, well, how are you meeting people? And of course online, which is not a problem, but this kid is like, these girls want hookups. And my husband's like, we'll go to church, maybe he'll find a girlfriend at church. And I've heard him say that before and it just cracks me up because he doesn't even go that much. But I think one of the ways when we were younger and we'll talk about this too, but we related to other moms and if you have that value, if you're whatever religion you are, that is just a place to find people that kind of think like you. I totally agree. In my 40s when I was single, mid forty s, I had like a list, if you will. The person had to be into fitness, the person had to believe in God. And church was definitely a thing. I didn't care if it was my church, but those were values. And so for a minute I was in a group through my church that was also fitness. I was like, if I can't find someone in this group, it didn't work out. But I mean, it was just the idea like, okay, they like fitness, they like church, I'm going there well, and. I think it just speaks to our values in midlife of being authentic, we should be able to say, I'm into fitness, I don't want to eat unhealthy food, and I go to church. And if that's important to you, I think that we owe it to ourselves to be authentic enough to own it. Yeah, totally agree. Yes. So my daughter and I last, two weekends ago, went to a church camp. Our church has like a 300 acre property on the banks of the Ohio River in Ohio, and there were 1600 women signed up, 1500 showed up, and we tent camped for two nights, and it was all centered around church. So anyway, I met some new, wonderful women in that adventure. And funny you should say that, because the exact same weekend you were doing that, I also was at a church where she it was for families and it was just our smaller our church isn't small, but it wasn't 1600 people, it was just over 100. But I got to know people that I hadn't gotten to know before. I'd just say hi, and I met some new people. And when you're with someone for two days like that, it's a bond. It's almost like taking a road trip with someone. Like, you really bond with them. And I think that's why my church does physical camps intense. Because it's uncomfortable. Yeah. And it's like, okay, if you can get through this, you can get through anything. Right? Anyway, so I think that's their theme. And I love it because that's part of my faith journey, is being okay in the uncomfortable, because that's one of the places I find comfort, is this is really hard. And I mean, I have my friends, I have my spouse, but that face kind of gives me a foundation of dealing with that kind of stuff. So here we are. It took us two and a half, almost three years. This is like a day of first, right? Like a lot of stuff happening here. She literally wrote me a dissertation. For any of you that know me, you're just shaking your head right now. I know you are, because it's such a long email. And she stayed with me. Like, how about that? It's great. I believe those things too. Well, our next group is Fitness Friends. And Fitness Friends got me through my forty s, and even today, Amelia and I went on a hike for a three mile hike before we had lunch, before we were recording. Working fitness into your friendships is a great way to bond, I think, right? And I think we've talked about this before, and we will talk about it again. The idea of centering friendships around things like alcohol and doing things with fitness people, whether it's a walk or go to a rock climbing wall or whatever, it gives you an alternative activity. Now, I love wine, don't get me wrong, but if your friendship is centered around that, it might be good to find something else. And I know I have friends, I'm with you. I think probably in my thirty s and forty s, my major social outlet was cycling. And so twice a week I'd show up with these same people and it was a very bonding experience. So again, I think some of this I feel like we're coming around to a theme of commonality or values. And fitness for us is a value. Yeah. It's not my life like it was in my 40s. Like I lived and died, the gym, and it's not that anymore. It's just a piece of my life that makes my health better. So I feel like it's changed, but it's still important. Yeah. And I think you've got a super healthy attitude. I feel like I lasted in that revolve. My life revolving around it longer than you did, and you've really helped me. Like, it's a piece, it's fine. And we don't have to over exercise for this to be a healthy lifestyle. Exactly. Really, my goal right now is to improve my health because I know what it feels like not to have my health. The hysterectomy sent me on a roller coaster, so anything to improve my health is important to me. And you know what, Kim, there's a lot of women of all ages that can look really beautiful and fit on the outside and they're rusting on the inside. So it's not about that physical appearance. And that's taken me a long time too, and being around people that can say you look amazing, and you are amazing, even though I don't have twig legs. Like I'll never have that. Again. That's why we're soul sisters, right? I don't know. Yeah. So fitness is a good bond, for sure. Call a friend, go for a walk. I know you go on Sundays a lot. I do. I love to go on walks. That's like my favorite thing. And especially this time of year because it's fall and it's beautiful and the leaves are turning. So I usually walk for fitness at least on Sundays and maybe one other days a week. And then it's just fun just to walk with my spouse in the evenings after dinner. I totally we do that as well. And so I just want to delineate the difference between fitness, walking for fitness and walking for movement. Movement is about other things. It's about moving your body better, blood sugar control, better digestion, all those things, better connections with the people you're walking with. But then fitness is a little different. You're walking faster, you're more, heart rate is elevated, you're out of breath more. So there's a difference. So when you do walking for fitness, this is sidestep in just a second. Do you have a pace or do you my husband. Oh, okay. Oh my goodness. He has a fitbit and he has a pace and he's got the thing on the app and he's doing so that is exercise. And usually longer and it's different. Cool. Excellent. Yeah. So we've covered fitness friends. I hope you guys are moving your body and even if it's just an impetus to help you move your body, call a friend. I mean, that's kind of one of the cardinal rules about fitness, is do it in a group or do it with friends. And it makes you accountable. So if you're struggling with that, that's a good place to start. And our last category is longtime friends from different stages of our life, like childhood or when your kids were younger, stuff like that. I don't know what that word is doing in there. Recipe. Recipe state. Yeah, those recipe stages. But I agree and those are distinct sets of friends for me. So I've got like my childhood and actually my childhood and college friends are the same group at this point. But then I have some people that I associated with my early mommas years and I think they are not only are they friends, but it provides me with a nostalgic piece of my life where I fondly remember my college years or I finally remember being the mom of a toddler. And sometimes Cam, when I'm with that group of people, I behave in a way that I did that role that I was. Do you do that too? I think that's pretty normal. And it's just like being aware of yourself being that way. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think that can be healthy. Or maybe not, I'm not sure. It depends who knows? Yeah, that's for sure. And I have to watch myself because sometimes I don't like that person I was, and sometimes I'm like, she was cool. Have you ever looked back at a picture of yourself and you're like, oh, I had it together sometimes. But I have to be honest with you, midlife has been really a blessing for me. I was talking to someone earlier this week about when I was into the heavy fitness and my body fat was lower then, but I was looking at myself and I thought, I don't think I like the way I looked back then anymore. I mean, I was 35. Right. And also when people are working towards the number on the scale, it doesn't mean that you're going to get happiness or healthier. Exactly. That does not equal those things. But you kind of learn that in midlife. Yeah, you do. But I do love to look back at pictures of the same group as we've matured. And especially with my high school or excuse me, my childhood and college friend group, there's about five of us. Every single picture I see through all of those years brings me joy. Like, there's not a single one where I was like, oh, well, I was mad at her then, or I didn't like the way I look. Like, we always look happy to be together. And I love that. I can't say I have the childhood friends. We moved a lot as a kid, I think, like eight times, and so I don't have that connection. So I admired that. That's really awesome that you can stay connected. My husband is very connected to his college friends, and they go skiing every year, and I see it through his eyes, so that's really neat. Well, I mean, does he ever like do you think people change? Yeah, they do change. And what's interesting about your story is women change and they are kind of, like, out each other out. And you haven't done that at all? I don't think so. I feel like the guys are more easy going. Yeah, I think that's generally true. But I am aware, and that's where it's not that I truly dislike who I was in college. I was more timid then and very studious like, I was the one who followed all the rules. And if any of these girls or women who listen, they're probably laughing their butt off at this moment. But yeah, I have just matured. I like myself more now, I'm more confident, and I like being that person amongst the same group of people. Yeah. And so you feel like you've evolved? Sure. Absolutely. But they've changed, too, and so it's been complementary. It's not like one has changed for the better and one for the worse. We've all grown in different ways. All of our children are different ages, our husbands are different. And honestly, some of us have suffered the loss of a parent. We've had difficulty, and that shapes who you are as a person, and it affects your relationships. Makes sense. Totally makes sense. Yeah. And so what about when your kids or do you still connect with people when your kids were younger? Like friends? Not really. Not really? No. I mean, we moved when my kids were three and five, so I was really tight with some women in our neighborhood, and then we moved and I kind of lost track of them. And then the elementary school age moms I was close to, and I honestly, for whatever reason, I guess that bond wasn't strong enough. It provided what I needed at the time, and then we just kind of moved on. What about you? I would say I taught school, and so it was kind of a blur. It was a small community, and so they were teacher friends, and then also their kids were in the same class with my kids, and so it was kind of blurred. And so when I left the classroom in 2009, I kind of, like, shut off that part of my life because I was trying to heal from a separation and divorce. Since then, I've reconnected with those women, and it's been really great. And some of them are like, who I go hiking and backpacking with now, which is really fun. But there was a lot of shame around my divorce. I've talked about that. So I kind of went into a turtle mode. Well, so they've kind of transformed into maybe some fitness friends now. So now they're cross functional friends. Exactly. Yeah. But also they weren't shamed of me because I was divorced. I was shamed of me. The shame I was carrying. So anyway, it feels really good not to have those frozen walls around me. Well, you bring up a good point, because I think that we live in our heads too much, and we think that people may have perceptions of us that they don't. Just incidences where one of the jokes is we were friends with some people and these are fitness friends, and there was this one couple, and every time I was around there, if one of them wore a white shirt, I would spill wine on them. It happened every time. And for a while I was like, really embarrassed and it became a joke. But I mean, I think little things like that, or it could be as big as shame carrying from something else, but I don't think we're always yeah. It was all in my head. Right. And it goes back to what we say, take your thoughts to court. But I wasn't in a place to take my thoughts to court. Yeah, you were surviving. I was surviving. So anyway, it feels menopause is a whole new beginning. Really. So things have changed the last four years. I love it. And I love that you're doing things with these people. Are they exploring their limits as well? Are they reconnecting motorcycle? No way. Oh, my gosh, that's awesome. She's been riding a motorcycle to work, and then on the weekend her and her husband explore, so yes. So are any of these friends still teachers? No, these are actually parents. Oh, parents. Okay. These are actually parents, not teachers. Okay. Yeah. In this particular story. Well, I love it. I value those people. And I look at the tiny crow's feet in some of our faces or the laugh lines, and sometimes when I look in the mirror, I'm like, oh my God, you look so old. But when I look at them, I see beauty and joy and a life well lived. And I'm like I'm her too. Isn't that beautiful? It is. Exactly. We're all living like our best lives now. I'd like to think that let's talk. A minute about people that have friendships that have left, because I do think there are seasons. I agree. Yeah. So let's just chat about that for a second. So I have a couple of those. One was a lady that I was super good friends with for two years. It was almost like an affair. We were so captivated by each other's company, obviously with no romance in there. I'm being completely, like, funny here, but we spent a lot of time together, and when she moved away, we just completely let it drop. And I don't know why I missed her for. A while, but I can't explain it. Yeah, that's interesting. I have a friend like that, too. We would do family vacations together. We would do girls trips together, and she was, like, part of my life. We do Sunday Meals together. And now I don't know. The last time I talked to her, and we were close for years. Was there a falling out? I think her life kind of oh, got you first. And so her life changed, and I didn't stay with it. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Yeah. And with my friend I'm speaking of, there was no falling out. She moved away, and that was it. Neither one of us. I always wondered, were we not friends long enough? Did we not establish roots together? And I'm not sure the answer. Yeah. And I've had other friends similar to what you're describing, where their life changed dramatically. There was a divorce, and they remarried, and I don't think I separated myself. Maybe she felt weird. Maybe she felt like I felt right. Because we had been friends with her husband, too, and we were friends as couples. I don't know. But I think in those situations, Cam, I have mourned that loss at the time, but it was never I always came to the conclusion of this ended for a right. Right. Time for everything, right? Yeah. And time is of a premium, and I will chase people for a while, but relationship is a two way street. Yeah. I don't want to chase anybody. Right. Well, that's true. I mean, I've done it in some cases, but relationship has to be both ways. Both parties have to be in it and want to be in it. Totally agree. Good stuff. So are there any other kinds of friendship? I'm trying to think if we've left anything. We don't want to leave anybody out. I know we have some listeners who are in the younger age group, and you may still be where you're friends with your kids parents. And that's a cool thing, too. Right? And I guess we should include our. Mean I we I walk with my husband. We have date day on Saturday. Is there any special you and Dan watch TV. Yeah, well, or not TV. Football. I should clarify. Let's be clear. We're Bingles fans, so this podcast gets recorded on Sunday when the Bingles are playing. Yeah. So that's kind of our thing. And then visiting the national parks, like, going and doing things. That's good. I need to find ways to do more adventures in town instead of, like, big trips. Yeah, that's my thing. You'll find it. You'll find it. But friends are important, and community is important. And we are just so glad to bring you guys along on this grand meeting that we've had today. I know. So thank you for being here. Thanks for listening. Today you can find us on Instagram at Midlife Mommas for all of our other contact info. Check out the show description below and we will talk to you next week.